Kids TV and the Questions Parents Have
If you have kids, you probably watch too much kids TV. If you’re the kind of parent who disapproves of TV, this is not the blog for you. I wholeheartedly embrace the digital babysitter. If the TV could dispense food, life would be complete.
Anyway, the point being if you end up watching some of the weird crap the kids like, you’re going to have questions.
– What Board of Education gives their kids 104 days of summer vacation? I mean, aren’t the holidays long enough? That’s nearly four months! How would child care work? Get back to school. Curse you, Perry the Platypus!
– On that note, how come Doofenschmirtz is the only one who knows Agent P’s secret identity?
– We have many, many questions about Spongebob. Don’t get me wrong, I love Spongebob. It’s eminently tolerable for a kids show but programmes and films HAVE to make sense in their own universe. Spongebob misses the mark by a mile. Even the four-year-old is confused. Things we need answers to:
— Fire underwater. What now?
— Why doesn’t Squidward wear pants?
— Seriously, how old is Spongebob?
— How come Sandy needs to wear a deep-sea diving outfit to breathe but Karen the computer doesn’t fry in the water?
— The Goo Lagoon – er, an underwater beach and sea. Am I tripping?
— Fire underwater. It needs repeating.
— Are there any labour laws in Bikini Bottom?
– Is it a coincidence that Max looks just like Vladamir Putin? Has anyone done DNA testing?
Y’all see what I’m saying, right?
– Why don’t Max and Ruby have parents? Has anyone informed Social Services? Was the KGB involved in their disappearance?
– Same for Charlie and Lola. Shouldn’t there be a responsible adult around occasionally?
– Why is Peppa so insufferable?
– Does George need early intervention speech therapy?
– Why hasn’t Mummy Pig divorced Daddy Pig? Does she need an intervention?
– Why the hell does Mrs Rabbit have every job in the village? How does she get the time? How qualified is she?
– Surely we all want to drop kick Elmo across a field?
– Why doesn’t the Man with the Yellow Hat have a name? Why does he wear all yellow? Why is George allowed to run around the city like a wild animal?
– How do the bad guys in Scooby Doo perform amazing and impossible stunts while dressed as ghosts or clowns or wild animals?
– Special Agent Oso. Let’s face it, if we relied on him we’d all have been wiped out in a nuclear winter by now.
– Why haven’t the residents of Pontypandy run Norman out of town, thereby bringing down the crime statistics to zero?
– Why hasn’t anyone straight up murdered Barney?
– Everything about Paw Patrol.
– The Wiggles – four unemployed men singing and dancing for kids. Yeah, I bet you’ve got a van with all the windows covered over too, right?
– Adventure Time – the creators were on drugs, right?
– Where the hell did Jonny Test get a talking dog?
– Caillou, you are an entitled little brat and no one likes you. Go take a long hard look at your weirdly round head in the mirror and don’t come back until your voice breaks.
– Why can’t Dora use her indoor voice? Why is she allowed to roam the countryside with only a monkey and talking map for company? What’s Spanish for “help me, I’m being kidnapped?”
– Why don’t the genetically engineered Powerpuff Girls have fingers? Isn’t this a huge oversight? How do they operate without opposable thumbs? Why do we see them eating with chopsticks?
It All Makes No Sense!
Look, I don’t mind that kids TV shows don’t make sense. That’s standard.
My favourite show from when I was a kid was (and still is) the genius Button Moon, a show made on a budget of 12p by work experience teenagers. But it made sense in the Button Moon world! Let’s just have some consistency please.
Just about the only show we can rely on is Gravity Falls.
Send the kids out to play unsupervised in the road and settle down to appreciate Mabel and Dipper’s bizarre but pleasingly consistent world.